I have been meaning to blog. We have had a fabulous summer and so much fun. I need to blog all about it, but I need to put this out there so I can move on.
I had a baby....yep #5 unfortunately this little one couldn't join my family just yet. I miscarried again. My 3rd time. I thought I had figured out the "problem" and "reason" for my previous miscarriages and found myself getting really excited about my little peanut that was due April 14th.
I was nervous about being a Mom to 3. Everyone tells you that being a Mom to 3 is the hardest because you are out numbered, but I was also excited to hold another little creation. To pick out names, to cuddle, to love one more child. I am still loving one more child. This poor baby I tried not to love from the moment I saw 2 lines. I tried to be calm and not get attached. But from the moment I saw those lines I was. I was fully invested in being his/her Mommy.
I feel a little bit broken now. I don't know how else to describe it. I am not shattered. I am not beaten. I am not giving up, but just a little bit broken.
I spoke to a friend about the feeling of loss. You create a life for the child. You imagine the family and its presence in it. This baby may have only been with me for a few weeks but I had its whole lifetime played out starting with me carrying to full term, delivery and then holding my child.
I thought I would be tougher. I thought this is the 3rd time I understand it is all chemical and medically it means that the baby had a body that wasn't ready. The 3rd time doesn't make it easier.
I have two beautiful children I hold in my arms and tell them I love them every day. I thought that would make a miscarriage easier. I even told someone once that it did...oddly it doesn't. I look at them and then I grieve for the baby I didn't get to hold and see grow.
I was doing fine. There wasn't any real reason to worry except for the pit in my stomach. Then a little spotting, but nothing like the others. One day until the ultrasound, it was a very long day. I knew going in this should be a happy day. Did you get to have that? The happiness at the first appointment? I haven't. I get worried. I get emotional. Because before that appointment as much as I worry I am still in a state of innocence holding onto a glimmer of hope that my baby is happy and growing well. Laying down on the table and watching the black screen with very little movement. I have seen the screen before. I have seen the doctors face before. I know what it means, but it hurts still.
I wasn't just upset like weeping upset this time I was angry! I didn't want to lose another. I thought I had figured out the issues and this one I would keep. I was wrong. Yet again.
I told Doug I wasn't going to write about the baby. I can't move on though until his/her little life is acknowledged in our family history. I was pregnant. I was going to have a baby on April 14th.
There I said it. It doesn't make the pain suddenly slip away, but it does help.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Zachary and Elizabeth are best friends. They love to play together and are pretty happy to have their pictures taken together too. I love that with out prompting Zac was willing to give Lizzy a kiss on her cheek. I hope they always stay good friends.
Elizabeth is very good at standing up holding on to furniture but would rather crawl than let go and walk. Can't blame her she is a super fast crawler.
I love how soft she was with the flower, playing with its petals and smelling the flower.
Zac gives me this crinkle nose mischievous smile often. And then his real genuine smile follows after.
Zachary is getting really good at writing his own name. I am glad he has the 3 letter option. Being a 3 letter name makes learning easier. I should know :)
Zachary got a trophy for playing soccer. He is so proud of it he wanted to have a special picture taken with it!
I know we just saw some of him, but the boy grew a bunch after I had decided on the blue outfit. So when I did his pictures the outfit didn't fit like I wanted. I found this cute green shirt and wanted to do his pictures again. Bonus the green matched Lizzy's dress better. My kids are good sports and were happy to do the pictures one more time.
What are fingers? Oh they are guns! Didn't you know. He loves to play guns with his fingers, sound effects and all!
My handsome boy!
My pretty princess!
I love my beautiful children! Happy Easter!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Kisses for Lizzy!
Love his long eyelashes and look of intent on that chocolate!
Happy Valentine's Day! Love, Mom
Monday, February 11, 2013
December to January was a crazy month! Lizzy picked up several new tricks. She crawls! What got this little one moving instead of her plank and scream? It was Christmas. She was close and rolled her self around getting what she wanted, but Christmas made all the difference. There were toys out of reach, wrapping paper to be eaten and bows to play with. While we sat unwrapping she got a very excited look on her face and made her way to get the ribbon by the tree. She crawled and hasn't stopped since! Her frustrated screams have reduced now that she can get what she wants. Elizabeth is always on the move where ever Zac goes she follows. Zac isn't so sure he likes that she can get to his toys now. Mischief in full swing as she grabs bags, bins and garbage and pulls everything out of them. Her favorite foods are Mom's smoothies, mashed potatoes and squash. She is also showing more emotions. Elizabeth hates to be put down when there are a lot of kids around or new people. When we go somewhere new she takes a minute to look over the space and the people. She wants to be held then when she is comfortable she will give a smile and want to get down. Elizabeth can feed her self now with her fingers and prefers to eat that way. It is making a much bigger mess as she explores how bananas feel mashed in her hands. She is working on a new hair treatment and gel called "banana mush". Some days it seems like I am sweeping and bathing her after every meal. She loves her boys and wants to be with them all the time. She has Daddy wrapped around her finger and will cuddle with him, lucky guy!